Thankful For Persistence
I was just reading through my last post about my trip to Nicaragua and how Jesus had begun to speak to my heart about softening the rough edges and I realized that it has taken no time at all for me to fall back into old habits...no time at all.
Since writing last-- school has started, which means the "schedule" is back! The schedule of making sure the boys are getting what they need when they need it, that they are where they need to be when they need to be there, that the homework is getting done, that dinners are thought about ahead of time so that the groceries can be bought, that the dirty laundry pile doesn't take over the stairway going to the basement, that I can see my husband at least one meal a day because of his busy schedule and that I keep up with things at my own job. Just to name a few!!! In all of the madness I caught myself having a very large, very ugly pity party this week....
Call it a test or bad luck or just plain life, but the past three weeks or so have brought about more than one situation where someone close to me has felt the need to sit me down and question either my actions or my motives behind my actions. None of the interactions have had positive outcomes and left me wondering things like..."do I really sound that mean?"..."why am I always the bad guy?"..."I can't do anything right?"..."does everyone see me this way?"..."why does stuff like this always happen to me?" Pity! Pity! Pity! Thinking like this long enough leads to more and more negativity which can then lead to your husband sitting you down and telling you something needs to change, which I may have taken offense to, which may have led to some yelling (insert the ugly that I was talking about earlier!!!!).....in the midst of all the madness my oldest son came home from youth group, sees me crying and says, "Mom- I don't know if it will help, but I learned tonight that sometimes you just have to take a step back and remember that God is still good." BOOM!
Deep breath....
Judgement-Shame-Guilt....
Deeper breath....
More tears....
How can Jesus love this mess?!?!
My best intentions have made a mess again!
He answered my question in the car driving home today. A song came on that I have heard many times, but something new caught my attention in that moment. The song is called "Loyal" by Laura Daigle---
"Your love is loyal
More faithful than the rising sun
This grace for me I can't outrun
Your love is loyal"
Loyal is defined as, "giving or showing firm and constant support to a person."
The song goes on to use more words to describe God's love for me (us)...constant, perfect, unwavering, faithful, and never changing.
By the end of the song I wanted to add another word to the list, Persistent.
Persistent is defined as, "continuing firmly or obstinately in a course of action in spite of difficulty or opposition; tenacious, determined, dogged, tireless, unrelenting." Read that definition again cuz it's huge!!!
If Jesus' love for me is persistent than He is more than able to take me when I'm obstinate, difficult, and tenacious in my ugly. He sits down in my mess with me and loves me. BUT! His love doesn't let me stay ugly...There will be apologies to make. There is much surrendering to be done. I need to let go of my need for justice and fairness where there seems to be none and let Jesus be all those things.
I need to sit in His loyal and persistent love for me and soak it in.
No judgement, shame, or guilt.
I want to encourage you to do the same....He whispers "bring me your ugly".
Exhale...and rest.
Thank you Jesus!
Since writing last-- school has started, which means the "schedule" is back! The schedule of making sure the boys are getting what they need when they need it, that they are where they need to be when they need to be there, that the homework is getting done, that dinners are thought about ahead of time so that the groceries can be bought, that the dirty laundry pile doesn't take over the stairway going to the basement, that I can see my husband at least one meal a day because of his busy schedule and that I keep up with things at my own job. Just to name a few!!! In all of the madness I caught myself having a very large, very ugly pity party this week....
Call it a test or bad luck or just plain life, but the past three weeks or so have brought about more than one situation where someone close to me has felt the need to sit me down and question either my actions or my motives behind my actions. None of the interactions have had positive outcomes and left me wondering things like..."do I really sound that mean?"..."why am I always the bad guy?"..."I can't do anything right?"..."does everyone see me this way?"..."why does stuff like this always happen to me?" Pity! Pity! Pity! Thinking like this long enough leads to more and more negativity which can then lead to your husband sitting you down and telling you something needs to change, which I may have taken offense to, which may have led to some yelling (insert the ugly that I was talking about earlier!!!!).....in the midst of all the madness my oldest son came home from youth group, sees me crying and says, "Mom- I don't know if it will help, but I learned tonight that sometimes you just have to take a step back and remember that God is still good." BOOM!
Deep breath....
Judgement-Shame-Guilt....
Deeper breath....
More tears....
How can Jesus love this mess?!?!
My best intentions have made a mess again!
He answered my question in the car driving home today. A song came on that I have heard many times, but something new caught my attention in that moment. The song is called "Loyal" by Laura Daigle---
"Your love is loyal
More faithful than the rising sun
This grace for me I can't outrun
Your love is loyal"
Loyal is defined as, "giving or showing firm and constant support to a person."
The song goes on to use more words to describe God's love for me (us)...constant, perfect, unwavering, faithful, and never changing.
By the end of the song I wanted to add another word to the list, Persistent.
Persistent is defined as, "continuing firmly or obstinately in a course of action in spite of difficulty or opposition; tenacious, determined, dogged, tireless, unrelenting." Read that definition again cuz it's huge!!!
If Jesus' love for me is persistent than He is more than able to take me when I'm obstinate, difficult, and tenacious in my ugly. He sits down in my mess with me and loves me. BUT! His love doesn't let me stay ugly...There will be apologies to make. There is much surrendering to be done. I need to let go of my need for justice and fairness where there seems to be none and let Jesus be all those things.
I need to sit in His loyal and persistent love for me and soak it in.
No judgement, shame, or guilt.
I want to encourage you to do the same....He whispers "bring me your ugly".
Exhale...and rest.
Thank you Jesus!
Comments
Post a Comment