I Married The Wrong Man
I've heard so many people over the years say at the end of their failed marriage, "we never should have gotten married to begin with...he/she wasn't who I was 'supposed' to marry." This is something I've wanted to write about for a long time and it took a friend having me sit down and listen to a song that made me finally do it. The song was Dancing In The Minefields by Andrew Peterson. The first verse of the song got my attention when it says "everyone said we were much too young but we did it anyway.....'I do' are the two most famous last words, the beginning of the end, but to lose your life for another I've heard is a good place to begin."
Goodness gracious. That last line right there....to lose your life for another I've heard is a good place to begin....is at the heart of why our marriage came to a halt three years after we said 'I do'. I selfishly entered marriage with the attitude that Dave was supposed to make me happy and in turn I was to selfishly not do the same for him. Somewhere in my head I thought it was ok for me to treat him like he didn't matter because divorce wasn't an option. That was in 1995 and by 1998 we thought it would be a great idea to add a baby to the mix to see if that could "fix it"!! Two months before our son was born Dave sat me down and told me that how I was treating him needed to change or he could see himself with a happy, fun girl that he had met at work. I'm not sure if I was so scared of what he had just said or if I just didn't believe him that I didn't take him seriously enough to do any changing but I didn't and two months after our son was born Dave left. One month later I was being served divorce papers. My marriage was no longer about walking in a minefield...it had blown up. There was nothing left.
It is now 15 years past all that mess. This coming June we will have been married 20 years (with a small break) and I want to talk about coming back from all the damage that was done to the marriage by both of us and what the difference was that changed us. In the beginning we would both admit that the only reason we decided to give it another shot was our son. He deserved a family that lived under one roof. Apart from that I think the reason we tried again was purely about the vow we had made before God. Websters dictionary says that a vow is "a solemn promise...to be dedicated to someone or something." I had been looking at my marriage all wrong....
First things first, I needed to forgive. It took a lot of time for each of us to heal from the hurt we did to each other. I had to choose every day to forgive not because I felt like it but because it was what Jesus was commanding me to do. Choose to forgive and the feelings will follow.
Next I needed to start learning to lay down all I thought I wanted and start letting my husband know that he is the no.1 thing in my world right behind Jesus. I had to stop looking at my marriage for what I could get out of it and start looking at what I needed to put into it. I needed to learn how to serve my husband daily. He needed to feel important to me. Colossians chapter 3 is full of good tips for marriage. Verse 12 says, "Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you." As I began to choose these things daily my marriage began to change.
The hardest thing I learned was that I needed to surrender to what the Bible says about wives submitting to their husbands. I don't have enough room on this page to go into how very hard this was for me but this is what it boils down to. I had to let go of the ideas I had in my head of what submitting looked like and look into the Word to find what it meant. It means letting my husband lead our family like Christ leads the church. In this family my husband has the final say on whatever the present issue may be. The buck stops with him. Here's the cool thing that has happened as I've been able to let go of my need to be in charge. My husband comes to me to talk about what I think before he makes any decision. Ha! It's all I had really ever wanted in the first place. To matter.
This wrong man that "I never should have married" has become my best friend. Just like I know--that I know--that I know--that Jesus loves me, I KNOW that my husband loves me no matter what we go through. There are seasons that we take turns lifting each other up when the other gets weary. We are each others biggest cheering section and there is grace, grace, and more grace. We still hit places where we find ourselves at an impasse but we are wise enough to go get help in the forms of friends who have been through it or a counselor. We were never meant to do this journey of marriage on our own.
And the number one biggest thing that has changed my husband and I together......praying together every morning that we can. It binds us together at a whole other level because we can hear each others hearts at the same time as listening to Jesus' heart. Without Him we wouldn't have made it through this world together for last 20 years. This world is a minefield and that's why I love that song. I started my marriage bulldozing through the minefield without regard for my husband....now we dance.
Goodness gracious. That last line right there....to lose your life for another I've heard is a good place to begin....is at the heart of why our marriage came to a halt three years after we said 'I do'. I selfishly entered marriage with the attitude that Dave was supposed to make me happy and in turn I was to selfishly not do the same for him. Somewhere in my head I thought it was ok for me to treat him like he didn't matter because divorce wasn't an option. That was in 1995 and by 1998 we thought it would be a great idea to add a baby to the mix to see if that could "fix it"!! Two months before our son was born Dave sat me down and told me that how I was treating him needed to change or he could see himself with a happy, fun girl that he had met at work. I'm not sure if I was so scared of what he had just said or if I just didn't believe him that I didn't take him seriously enough to do any changing but I didn't and two months after our son was born Dave left. One month later I was being served divorce papers. My marriage was no longer about walking in a minefield...it had blown up. There was nothing left.
It is now 15 years past all that mess. This coming June we will have been married 20 years (with a small break) and I want to talk about coming back from all the damage that was done to the marriage by both of us and what the difference was that changed us. In the beginning we would both admit that the only reason we decided to give it another shot was our son. He deserved a family that lived under one roof. Apart from that I think the reason we tried again was purely about the vow we had made before God. Websters dictionary says that a vow is "a solemn promise...to be dedicated to someone or something." I had been looking at my marriage all wrong....
First things first, I needed to forgive. It took a lot of time for each of us to heal from the hurt we did to each other. I had to choose every day to forgive not because I felt like it but because it was what Jesus was commanding me to do. Choose to forgive and the feelings will follow.
Next I needed to start learning to lay down all I thought I wanted and start letting my husband know that he is the no.1 thing in my world right behind Jesus. I had to stop looking at my marriage for what I could get out of it and start looking at what I needed to put into it. I needed to learn how to serve my husband daily. He needed to feel important to me. Colossians chapter 3 is full of good tips for marriage. Verse 12 says, "Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you." As I began to choose these things daily my marriage began to change.
The hardest thing I learned was that I needed to surrender to what the Bible says about wives submitting to their husbands. I don't have enough room on this page to go into how very hard this was for me but this is what it boils down to. I had to let go of the ideas I had in my head of what submitting looked like and look into the Word to find what it meant. It means letting my husband lead our family like Christ leads the church. In this family my husband has the final say on whatever the present issue may be. The buck stops with him. Here's the cool thing that has happened as I've been able to let go of my need to be in charge. My husband comes to me to talk about what I think before he makes any decision. Ha! It's all I had really ever wanted in the first place. To matter.
This wrong man that "I never should have married" has become my best friend. Just like I know--that I know--that I know--that Jesus loves me, I KNOW that my husband loves me no matter what we go through. There are seasons that we take turns lifting each other up when the other gets weary. We are each others biggest cheering section and there is grace, grace, and more grace. We still hit places where we find ourselves at an impasse but we are wise enough to go get help in the forms of friends who have been through it or a counselor. We were never meant to do this journey of marriage on our own.
And the number one biggest thing that has changed my husband and I together......praying together every morning that we can. It binds us together at a whole other level because we can hear each others hearts at the same time as listening to Jesus' heart. Without Him we wouldn't have made it through this world together for last 20 years. This world is a minefield and that's why I love that song. I started my marriage bulldozing through the minefield without regard for my husband....now we dance.
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