The Stealing of Innocence Pt.2....Beauty for Ashes
There are moments in our lives that can cut so deep we start to think it's who we are. That somehow that one moment defines who we are. But if we know Jesus and the price that was paid for our healing and freedom we can know "it" (whatever "it" might be for you) does not define who we are. That is why this is my favorite part of this story....I believe satan is at his best when he is able to keep us wrapped up in our pain and focused on the bad that has been done to us. He had me believing that just because I had remembered this horrible thing that had been done to me I didn't really have to deal with the consequences of it. I could just pick up and go on like normal.
I remember when I was little and I would fall and skin a knee or an elbow the worst part of it was when my mom had to wipe it off before the band aid went on otherwise the wound would soon get infected and not heal. Emotional wounds are the same. I soon came to realize that I had a lot of unwinding of the cocoon to do.
The number one thing I had to change my thinking about was that what happened to me was not my fault. I know, it makes no sense, but when you become a victim at 5 yrs old the thinking can be easily twisted. Next on the list was the shame, the hurt, and the anger. It was really hard to bring my 5 yr old self to a place of forgiveness when my 20 yr old self was more than ready to forgive. I had to give the little girl in me time...and she needed a lot of it. She needed to find her voice and then be able to speak. My counselor had me do this in a series of letters. I wrote one to the adult me, my parents, my babysitter, and the old man. This was huge and exhausting. I never sent the letters, I kept them. It was an exercise in taking back what had been taken from me without my permission....my power. Then, and only when I was ready, I would burn the letter which to me symbolized finally letting go. Forgiveness is not a feeling. It's a choice we make everyday and the feelings soon follow. I had to forgive this old man for me, not for him. I needed to let go of the anger and bitterness for me, not for him. And I had to forgive him plain and simply because my Jesus had died to forgive me. I have no right to hold on to the darkness or the darkness would have killed everything good in me!!
When I was in the 5th grade I fell down a steep hill while on a field trip and ended up getting 7 stitches. The cut healed fine but there is to this day a scar and again emotional wounds are the same. In this world I will always have the memories of what was done to me, but by God's grace there are mercy for the memories and I don't have to be controlled by my pain. The little blue house where the old man used to be is still on the way to my parents house. I used to get sick to my stomach when I knew I would have to go past it and remember....these days I drive by it and I smile because in my mind I see Jesus smiling back and winking because He has given me a husband who loves me just as I am...two boys with the innocence I lost all those years ago...laughter for all the tears...joy for all the sorrow...beauty for the ashes.
Isaiah 61:3
"To all who mourn in Israel,
He will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair."
I remember when I was little and I would fall and skin a knee or an elbow the worst part of it was when my mom had to wipe it off before the band aid went on otherwise the wound would soon get infected and not heal. Emotional wounds are the same. I soon came to realize that I had a lot of unwinding of the cocoon to do.
The number one thing I had to change my thinking about was that what happened to me was not my fault. I know, it makes no sense, but when you become a victim at 5 yrs old the thinking can be easily twisted. Next on the list was the shame, the hurt, and the anger. It was really hard to bring my 5 yr old self to a place of forgiveness when my 20 yr old self was more than ready to forgive. I had to give the little girl in me time...and she needed a lot of it. She needed to find her voice and then be able to speak. My counselor had me do this in a series of letters. I wrote one to the adult me, my parents, my babysitter, and the old man. This was huge and exhausting. I never sent the letters, I kept them. It was an exercise in taking back what had been taken from me without my permission....my power. Then, and only when I was ready, I would burn the letter which to me symbolized finally letting go. Forgiveness is not a feeling. It's a choice we make everyday and the feelings soon follow. I had to forgive this old man for me, not for him. I needed to let go of the anger and bitterness for me, not for him. And I had to forgive him plain and simply because my Jesus had died to forgive me. I have no right to hold on to the darkness or the darkness would have killed everything good in me!!
When I was in the 5th grade I fell down a steep hill while on a field trip and ended up getting 7 stitches. The cut healed fine but there is to this day a scar and again emotional wounds are the same. In this world I will always have the memories of what was done to me, but by God's grace there are mercy for the memories and I don't have to be controlled by my pain. The little blue house where the old man used to be is still on the way to my parents house. I used to get sick to my stomach when I knew I would have to go past it and remember....these days I drive by it and I smile because in my mind I see Jesus smiling back and winking because He has given me a husband who loves me just as I am...two boys with the innocence I lost all those years ago...laughter for all the tears...joy for all the sorrow...beauty for the ashes.
Isaiah 61:3
"To all who mourn in Israel,
He will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair."
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