Finding my "MOM HEART"
Today is Mother's Day....and a particularly emotional one at that. In just 3 short weeks I will watch as my oldest son walks across the stage to pick up his high school diploma. I've dreaded this day for about 15 years. Why only 15 of his 18 years? Because I wasn't one of those girls that dreamed of being a mom since I was little. When I did get pregnant, I wasn't one of those women who loved every minute of it...as a matter of fact I hated it! I felt terrible all the time and the hormones quickly took over and turned me into someone I didn't even like being around, but couldn't get away from. Then Zach was born, December 29th, 1998. Not a clue what I had just gotten myself into!!!!!! I tried nursing and we both stunk at it and it left him with jaundice and a hospital stay. I stayed close by but found myself not having a clue what to do for him. I quickly learned something about myself that I never had to pay attention to before...I didn't have a natural nurturing bone in my body!!!! It took me a really long time to admit that and be able say it out loud without feeling guilty. Three (or more) years to be exact.
The first years were the hardest for me. He was a gem of a baby. So laid back and easy going. Hardly ever cried. So what was the trouble? I hadn't found my "mom heart" yet...you know, the unselfish part of you that would move any mountain for your child. I don't think it happens at the moment the doctor places that baby on your tummy for the first time for every mom. Some of us are a little slower. All I knew at the time was that this little person could do nothing without me. 24/7--didn't matter how tired I got or what I had on my schedule for the day--it was all blown out of the water. I was a mom now and in all my painful honesty, as much as I loved him, I didn't "enjoy" being a mom.
Fast forward to 2017 and like I said, in a very short time our oldest will graduate and I have cried for most of his Senior year. I have asked myself multiple times this year why I am having such an incredibly hard time with this????
Because I found my "mom heart"!!!!!!!
That little guy that needed help all time started to grow into an "independent" toddler who could go potty all on his own. Then a more independent elementary schooler that hopped on the bus in all of his bravery and headed off to school and the needs became different and less. Middle school is the first time that I really began to realize that he didn't "need" me the same anymore. He could stay home alone and if he had to, he could make his own meal and put the dishes in the dishwasher (if he had to!). Middle school was the greatest challenge for me as a mom. The sweet, smiley boy that had always been was taken over by a middle schoolers body that I found most of the time I didn't really like. Mom guilt. The turning point for both of us I think was the day I went up to his room to put something away and he said some snotty middle schooler words and I started to cry...right there on the top step right outside his room I sank to the floor. That got his attention! He came and sat by me and asked what was wrong!!! Because in all of his teenager-land madness he had no clue! I was "mom heart" honest with my son that day. I told him I didn't know how to be the mom of a teenager and he was going to have to meet me somewhere in the middle to figure it out together! A little bit of the sweet and kind boy I knew snuck out and we agreed to work together. That's how, for the most part, we've done things since then and it's why I am having a hard time letting go.
I've been digging my heels in since 9th grade when we went to High School orientation.
Behind the wheel....No!
Drivers license....UGH!
First job...OK with that!
First Prom...Not as Ok!
Back to crying most of this past year.
Last first day of school...
Last swim season...
Last year having his dad as a teacher...
Last...
Last...
Lasts stink.
Here is what I am coming to realize in all of this finding my mom heart---if there aren't lasts, there can't be firsts! This isn't the first time I've had to let go...if you think about it...all of us mom's "have been letting go since they took their first step. We had to let go of that little hand so that they could learn to do it on their own. We let go a little bit more when they started school and a little bit more when drove away for the first time solo. I personally needed all that practice because this last one is a doozy!!! I heard someone say once that having kids is like having your heart walking around outside your body. After 18 years of doing this mom thing I have to whole-Mom-heartedly agree!
One of my favorite verses in the Bible as a mom is Luke 2:19..."but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought of them often." I want to be that kind of mom on this Mother's Day. It's what I'll be doing 3 weeks from today as I watch him walk across that stage. Storing it all up in my great big, incredibly proud "MOM HEART"!!!!!
"Thank Jesus for this boy (both of them!) that You trusted me with to teach things to, to learn from and to love. Thank you for filling all the holes in that I missed along the way. Because I did miss a lot. I didn't get it all right. It's because of Your grace alone that I dared to find my mom heart that You had put in me all along. Thank you for hearing my heart for all the times I couldn't find the words to pray for my boys. Thank you for loving them even more than I do! Amen and Amen!"
Happy Mother's Day friends!!!!!
The first years were the hardest for me. He was a gem of a baby. So laid back and easy going. Hardly ever cried. So what was the trouble? I hadn't found my "mom heart" yet...you know, the unselfish part of you that would move any mountain for your child. I don't think it happens at the moment the doctor places that baby on your tummy for the first time for every mom. Some of us are a little slower. All I knew at the time was that this little person could do nothing without me. 24/7--didn't matter how tired I got or what I had on my schedule for the day--it was all blown out of the water. I was a mom now and in all my painful honesty, as much as I loved him, I didn't "enjoy" being a mom.
Fast forward to 2017 and like I said, in a very short time our oldest will graduate and I have cried for most of his Senior year. I have asked myself multiple times this year why I am having such an incredibly hard time with this????
Because I found my "mom heart"!!!!!!!
That little guy that needed help all time started to grow into an "independent" toddler who could go potty all on his own. Then a more independent elementary schooler that hopped on the bus in all of his bravery and headed off to school and the needs became different and less. Middle school is the first time that I really began to realize that he didn't "need" me the same anymore. He could stay home alone and if he had to, he could make his own meal and put the dishes in the dishwasher (if he had to!). Middle school was the greatest challenge for me as a mom. The sweet, smiley boy that had always been was taken over by a middle schoolers body that I found most of the time I didn't really like. Mom guilt. The turning point for both of us I think was the day I went up to his room to put something away and he said some snotty middle schooler words and I started to cry...right there on the top step right outside his room I sank to the floor. That got his attention! He came and sat by me and asked what was wrong!!! Because in all of his teenager-land madness he had no clue! I was "mom heart" honest with my son that day. I told him I didn't know how to be the mom of a teenager and he was going to have to meet me somewhere in the middle to figure it out together! A little bit of the sweet and kind boy I knew snuck out and we agreed to work together. That's how, for the most part, we've done things since then and it's why I am having a hard time letting go.
I've been digging my heels in since 9th grade when we went to High School orientation.
Behind the wheel....No!
Drivers license....UGH!
First job...OK with that!
First Prom...Not as Ok!
Back to crying most of this past year.
Last first day of school...
Last swim season...
Last year having his dad as a teacher...
Last...
Last...
Lasts stink.
Here is what I am coming to realize in all of this finding my mom heart---if there aren't lasts, there can't be firsts! This isn't the first time I've had to let go...if you think about it...all of us mom's "have been letting go since they took their first step. We had to let go of that little hand so that they could learn to do it on their own. We let go a little bit more when they started school and a little bit more when drove away for the first time solo. I personally needed all that practice because this last one is a doozy!!! I heard someone say once that having kids is like having your heart walking around outside your body. After 18 years of doing this mom thing I have to whole-Mom-heartedly agree!
One of my favorite verses in the Bible as a mom is Luke 2:19..."but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought of them often." I want to be that kind of mom on this Mother's Day. It's what I'll be doing 3 weeks from today as I watch him walk across that stage. Storing it all up in my great big, incredibly proud "MOM HEART"!!!!!
"Thank Jesus for this boy (both of them!) that You trusted me with to teach things to, to learn from and to love. Thank you for filling all the holes in that I missed along the way. Because I did miss a lot. I didn't get it all right. It's because of Your grace alone that I dared to find my mom heart that You had put in me all along. Thank you for hearing my heart for all the times I couldn't find the words to pray for my boys. Thank you for loving them even more than I do! Amen and Amen!"
Happy Mother's Day friends!!!!!
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