Anger Had Become My Friend

After making myself write my last post I have found that I am not alone in what I am feeling!! Which makes me want to continue writing about this journey that I'm on....

As I have continued to "clean off" the many dusty shelves in my heart I have found that I am a MASTER avoid-er of emotions. I can stick emotions to the side as easily as I can stick junk away in my basement storage room, shut the door, and ignore it for months...or even years! 

The typical pattern for me is that I take something someone does or says and it hurts me in some way, then I push it to the side because I don't want to deal with the feelings where it festers and eventually turns to anger. Left to the side long enough I found myself not even sure of what I was angry about. I've had a number of real and legit hurtful things done to me in my life, but by not dealing with them completely when they happened it had made it so that I couldn't even deal with the little things that I should have just been able to easily let go of. I couldn't make it through one day without being angry about something and it was exhausting me. 

I recently picked up a book called "Enemies of the Heart" by Andy Stanley and the chapter on anger was exactly what I needed to hear. Here are some of the notes I jotted down in my own words while I was reading...
- anger is the result of not getting something I want or may even deserve (James 4)
- the root of anger is the perception that something has been taken, therefore something is owed to me
- the irony is that, in most cases, the perceived debt can never be paid (especially if I have held on to my anger for years!!!)  

I had to fully admit to myself that these are very true for me. Thankfully he went on to give some steps to working through my anger!

Letting go!
1. Identify who you are angry with
2. Determine what you feel they owe you
3. Cancel the debt--Forgiveness
4. Dismiss the offense--refuse (choose) to let the emotions consume you when the memories return

My in process conclusion....Many parts of this life hurt, but it's my moment by moment choice to stay angry or to forgive. I have wasted many years letting the anger fester and it is taking time to un-fester it. I can't look into Jesus' face anymore and hold the grudges I have..knowing full well the price that was paid for Him to forgive me. I just can't!

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